Children with strong personalities are stubborn and often defiant. To improve your relationship, it’s important to let them make choices so they can feel in control. Children with strong personalities are a constant challenge when they are young, but with sensitive parenting, they will grow into incredible teenagers and young adults. They will find within themselves the motivation and inner strength to achieve what they want, and will be impervious to peer pressure. As long as parents resist the urge to “break their spirit,” these children will often become leaders later in life.
What exactly is meant by a child with a difficult temperament?
Some parents call them “difficult” or “stubborn,” but strong-willed children are principled individuals who are not easily influenced. They are quick-witted and courageous, preferring to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what they are told, which is why they constantly test boundaries. They absolutely must be in charge of themselves and will sometimes prioritize their desire to be right above all else. Once they have made up their minds, it is almost impossible to change them: these children have intense and passionate feelings and live life to the fullest.
Often, children tend to struggle for power over their parents . It’s important that parents don’t get drawn into their children’s games: when you feel your child is pushing you to your limit, take a deep breath and remember that you can let your child save face while still getting what you want and avoiding these power struggles . Don’t let a four-year-old make you act like you’re four years old too! Beware of showing disrespect to parents…
No one likes being told what to do, but children with strong personalities find it unbearable. Parents can prevent power struggles by helping children feel understood, despite the boundaries. Try to be empathetic, give them choices, and understand that respect goes both ways. Finding compromises that benefit everyone, rather than rigidly adhering to rules, prevents children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential negotiation and compromise skills.
Children with strong personalities aren’t just difficult. They feel their integrity is threatened whenever they’re forced to submit to someone else’s will. When given a choice, they prefer to cooperate. If this bothers you because you believe obedience is an important quality, it’s worth putting things into perspective. Raising a responsible, respectful, cooperative child who does the right thing, even if it’s challenging, doesn’t always involve obedience, but rather doing the right thing because you want to. This is the fundamental difference between morality and obedience.
Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told. Obedience is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right. – H.L. Mencken
We obviously want our children to do what is asked of them, but this does not necessarily mean obedience, where the child will do whatever any older person asks of them.
The child’s defiance, anger, and tantrums reflect an unstable and insecure relationship with authority. They are reacting to past or present instances of excessive authoritarianism, absences, and laxity. It is therefore essential to rebuild sufficient trust and stability between parent and child. The child should ask you. They trust you, because they have learned that, even if you cannot always say yes to their requests, their interests are important to you. In this way, you will raise a child who will be self-disciplined, take responsibility, be considerate, and, above all, have the discernment to know who to trust and when to accept the influence of others.
Strong-willed children can be generous, energetic, tenacious, and inspiring. How can we protect these wonderful qualities and encourage their cooperation?
11 tips for raising your difficult child
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Remember that strong-willed children learn through experience
They need to see for themselves if the oven is hot. Unless there are significant risks, it’s more effective to let them learn through experience rather than control. You should also expect your child to test your limits repeatedly: that’s how they learn. Once you understand this, it’s easier to remain calm and avoid tears and tantrums in your relationship.
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Your child wants to be in control more than anything else
Let him be in charge of as many activities as possible. Don’t push him to brush his teeth, but ask him, “What do you need to do before we leave?” If he doesn’t answer, make a short list: “Every morning, we eat, brush our teeth, go to the bathroom, and get our schoolbag. I see you have your schoolbag, that’s perfect! What else do you need to do before we leave?” Children who feel more independent and responsible for themselves will be less likely to rebel. Furthermore, they will learn responsibility earlier.
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Give your child choices
If you give him orders, he’ll almost certainly bristle. If you give him a choice, he’ll feel like he’s in control of his own destiny. Obviously, make offers that won’t leave you feeling resentful or like you’ve given away all your power. If, for example, going shopping isn’t negotiable and he wants to keep playing, a suitable option might be: “Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes? Okay, in 10 minutes, but no fuss then. We’ll do that. And since it’ll be hard to finish your game in 10 minutes, can I help you?”
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Give them authority over their own bodies
“I understand you didn’t want your coat. I think it’s cold and I’m going to put my coat on. Is it okay if I put your coat in a bag, so we have it if you change your mind?”
Your child won’t catch pneumonia unless you act as if you’ve won when they ask for their coat. Once they understand that they won’t lose face by wearing it, they’ll ask for it. It’s difficult for a child to grasp that they’ll be cold when they’re warm inside (they’re confident because their body tells them so), which is why they resist. Don’t undermine their confidence; help them understand that there’s no shame in changing their mind after receiving new information.
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Avoid power struggles by using routine and rules for living
So, you’re not the bad guy in this story, it’s just that “the rule is to use the potty after every meal or snack” or “in the schedule, we turn off the lights at 8 p.m., but if you hurry, we have time to read two books”, or even “in this house, we finish our homework before going on a screen”.
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Don’t push him towards opposition.n
Forcing the issue always creates an offensive reaction, with humans of all ages. If you take sides, you risk pushing your child to challenge you just to prove something. Take a moment, breathe, and remember that winning a battle with your child risks losing what’s most important: your relationship with them. When in doubt, tell them, “Okay, you can decide that yourself.” If they can’t, tell them they can decide on another aspect or find a way to fulfill their need for autonomy without jeopardizing their health or safety.
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Avoid power struggles by letting him save face
You don’t need to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable requests and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force them to submit to your point of view. They must do what you want, but they have the right to their own opinion about it.
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Listen to him
As an adult, you can reasonably assume you know what’s best. But your child has a strong will and integrity. Their point of view makes them stand firm, and they want to protect what’s important to them. Listen calmly and consider their words to understand their point of disagreement. Try not to be judgmental: “I heard you didn’t want to take a bath. Can you tell me why?” This will give you information, which may not seem like a good reason to you, but it’s still a reason.
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To see things from his point of view
He might be upset because you promised him something and then forgot. To you, he’s being stubborn. To him, he has every right to be angry because you broke your promise, while he has no right to do so. Apologize sincerely and explain that you try to keep your promises. Consider how you would like to be treated, and treat him accordingly.
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Discipline him through the relationship, not through punishment
No one learns by being in the middle of a struggle. Children are willing to please us, but when we’re constantly fighting and punishing them, we lose that. Let him express his feelings when he’s upset so they can dissipate.
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Offer him respect and empathy
A child with a difficult personality struggles for respect. If you give it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. It helps them to feel understood. If you see things from their perspective and think they’re wrong, you can always offer them empathy and try to compromise.
