Many grandparents wonder how their children are raising their grandchildren. Is it too permissive or, conversely, too strict? If they were the parents, they would do things very differently! Yet, it’s difficult to broach the subject without risking creating tension within the family. How can we overcome disagreements about raising young children? We asked Véronique Cayado, PhD in psychology and a specialist in aging.
Silver Alliance -Why is the education of grandchildren such a sensitive issue?
Véronique Cayado: Within families, as with friends, parenting is a very divisive topic. It’s easy to feel personally judged for differing parenting approaches. Not to mention the pressure to be a “good” parent, which places demands for educational excellence on new parents. We can be so afraid of doing things wrong, of not being good enough for our child, that we unintentionally project these expectations onto them, expecting them to be the perfect child, the one who walks first, who talks first…
The way we raise our children says a lot about us. That’s why the question of education is so sensitive: it touches on the most intimate aspects of our lives. Yet, everyone does what they want, and above all, what they can: there’s no magic formula, no foolproof method shared by everyone.
When grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren, they are tempted to interfere in the children’s upbringing. Is this a good thing?
It depends on how it’s done. Even if you’re a parent, you’re still your parent’s child, and that parent may find it difficult to let go and step back. Or, conversely, the child, now an adult, may continue to idolize their father or mother. They may struggle to assert themselves or even take responsibility for their own parenting, with parenting practices different from those they themselves experienced.
A grandparent offering advice to new parents often comes from a good place. However, even the wisest and most helpful advice can trigger significant tension. It’s not the content of the message itself that’s the problem, but rather the feelings of devaluation or inferiority it conveys. “You should do it this way”: this kind of well-intentioned phrase, however, tells the other person that you know better than they do what’s best for the child. So when this advice comes from the in-laws, it can be perceived as even more intrusive.
Being a parent isn’t innate. It’s learned and developed as the child grows. Being a grandparent is yet another role. Grandparents are often quite different from the parents they once were. A very strict father can become a permissive grandfather, much to the dismay of the parents who might even find him too lenient. In some families, grandparents are considered “lax” by the parents. Often very close to their grandchildren, their desire to please them often takes precedence over parental rules. Here again, tensions can arise.
Were things better before, really?
First, we need to specify which “before” we’re talking about. Today’s grandparents were born after the war. They had their children after 1968. They raised them in a context of mass consumption, with processed food, television… More and more mothers worked outside the home. Divorces were also more frequent. Of course, things have changed a lot, but the break is perhaps less severe than with the previous generation.
Today, what can be more divisive is the omnipresence of screens, online games, social media, and so on. These new technologies have transformed the daily lives of children and teenagers, a far cry from what their grandparents experienced. Some view this with curiosity, others with more reservations and fears for their grandchildren.
That said, this generational gap is a welcome one. Grandparents are often less tolerant of screens, and when they have custody of their grandchildren, they offer them a different daily routine with less screen time. These are precious moments of a different rhythm and a different way of being present in the world.
How to overcome disagreements in education?
To prevent the situation from escalating, it’s essential to follow one key rule: grandparents must never contradict parents’ decisions in front of the children. Undermining parents’ authority is the surest way to damage family relationships. It also encourages children to become embroiled in these disagreements.
The parent remains the primary authority on the child’s upbringing, regardless of whether the grandparents approve of their choices (diet, pacifier use, religion, etc.). Beyond that, everything is a matter of compromise. It’s essential to be understanding and allow everyone to find their place while respecting their individual lifestyles. Parents have the right to experiment and sometimes make their own mistakes, because no parent is perfect. Grandparents have the right to be themselves and not simply an extension of the parents’ role in raising the child.
Children are perfectly capable of distinguishing between parents and grandparents. If the rules differ slightly from one household to another, they will adapt. I would even say that the great value of grandparents lies in offering children a different world, allowing them to experience different social relationships. Finally, let’s remember that grandparents have an immense privilege: they are not the child’s primary educators. Their role is unique: they are there above all to provide love, a listening ear, and moments of shared connection. So, all that remains for them is to enjoy this unique intergenerational bond .
