Caroline, a mother of four, shares with us her research on Compassionate Communication, the result of her desire to live a calm, joyful, and respectful relationship within her family.
Why use Compassionate Communication in the family?
I don’t know about you, but generally speaking, few of us were raised with a culture of non-violent communication. Until recently, traditional education and the communication that stems from it tended to prioritize commands and advocate obedience in a relationship of submission and domination.
Marshall Rosenberg, the father of nonviolent communication, worked on another voice, respectful of both interlocutors: oneself and the other.
Compassionate Communication allows us to shift the paradigm: instead of blaming others for our problems, this process invites us to take responsibility. Instead of saying, “You’re annoying me!”, we can express what we feel and what we need. By integrating this into our interactions with our children, we can take a step back and rephrase our words differently, without being aggressive.
The goal, therefore, is not, in the immediate future, to get what we want from the other person, but to establish relationships based on empathy and sincerity that will satisfy everyone’s needs. A beautiful program, isn’t it?!
Incorporating it into our conversations with our children allows us to take a step back and formulate our remarks differently, without attacking them.
The Benefits of Compassionate Communication
Nonviolent Communication offers three major advantages for parents with their children (and indeed, generally in all our relationships):
1- It allows us to better understand our own emotions and needs before expressing them to the other person: What am I feeling? What will I need in this situation?
2- It helps not to feel attacked by the words of the other, by understanding that the other also has emotions and needs that do not belong to us.
3- By setting an example of empathetic and caring communication, we increase the chances that our child will be able to deploy this skill later in their interactions with others.
While the theory is easy to understand, putting it into practice is not always easy. Because when we are under pressure, it is sometimes difficult to go through the different stages of compassionate communication.
Furthermore, you’ll find plenty of practical examples on “how to adopt a more compassionate communication style when your child doesn’t do what you ask…!” in our “How to Get Your Child to Cooperate (Without Yelling)!” pack. Enter your email address below, and we’ll send it to you for free…
The 4 Stages of Compassionate Communication
To be able to take that small step aside, Nonviolent Communication recommends 4 steps.
To illustrate, let’s take an example: it’s Monday morning, 7:56. I’ve asked Noah, my 7-year-old son, to put on his shoes (three times already in less than 10 minutes !). He’s decided to build a launchpad for his toy cars in the living room. I have an important work meeting that I don’t want to be late for. Can you picture the scene?
Observation of the facts without judgment or evaluation.
Like a camera, it’s about objectively observing what’s happening: “Noah didn’t put on his shoes. He built a tower for his cars.”
The Expression of Feelings
where we try to put words to our feelings: “this makes me angry”, “I feel worried”.
Take awareness of the needs of
those who are not satisfied with us: “I need to be on time for my meeting.
Submit a Request or propose to find a solution together
that satisfies the needs of both participants: “I suggest we leave the tower until this evening, and I’ll help you put on your shoes, okay. It could also be ‘what solution can we find together regarding this?’, but I didn’t have much time at the time.
In short, after taking a step back, I was able to say, “You’ve built an amazing tower! I see you haven’t had time to put your shoes on, and now I’m worried because I really need to be on time for my appointment. I suggest we put the tower aside and get your shoes on faster so I’m not late (while starting to help him put his shoes on). Of course, say it in your own words; we’re not robots! I assure you, it took me several rehearsals to figure out how to react this way. However, I can also assure you that it’s much more effective and faster than kicking the tower > which triggers a tantrum > which makes Loulou refuse to move > which makes me yell > etc.”
Giraffe and Jackal-How to implement kind communication at home?
To illustrate the two modes of thinking of classical communication vs NVC, Marshall Rosenberg chose two puppets: the jackal and the giraffe.
The jackal
The jackal represents the classic face of communication. It is convinced it possesses the truth, that it can distinguish between what is true and what is false. It believes it is right and may use blackmail, judgment, or threats to pressure its interlocutor. The jackal, therefore, expresses itself peremptorily and has little regard for feelings. The world is thus Manichean: there are winners and losers.
The giraffe
Marshall Rosenberg chose the giraffe to embody Nonviolent Communication (NVC) because it’s the animal with the biggest heart, and its long neck allows it to reach higher. The giraffe’s communicative impulse, therefore, comes from the heart and a desire to connect. It expresses itself with kindness while remaining focused on others.
She is attentive to recognizing her own emotions and needs, as well as those of the person she is speaking to. The giraffe is aware that behind every emotion* and feeling lie fundamental, unmet needs. This allows her not to feel personally attacked when the jackal speaks to her.
So, are you looking to take a step back and try to move towards more compassionate communication with your child(ren)? Personally, I learned to use it gradually: at first, it’s not natural (a bit like when you’re learning to drive, you have to think about the pedals and changing gears), and little by little, with practice, you get more and more used to it (in short, you go on autopilot). And this has helped to greatly ease tensions in my family: everyone feels valued and empowered, and that’s already a lot! Of course, like everyone else, sometimes I mess up, I stumble, I lose my temper… Nothing serious, it’s an opportunity to take stock, apologize, and strive to do better.
